It's hard
to leave a community—a way of life—that is your DNA. One in which you know the rules;
everyone knows your family, your parents, your past present and even future,
but most importantly, they know YOU.
Okay, so
maybe they don't know you. The real you at least. The you that is questioning.
The you that is gender-queer. The you that wants to be with a woman the way a
husband desires his wife. The you who questions. The you who no longer
fits. And honestly, may not have fit for a while.
But they do
know your name. They know where you went to elementary school. They saw every event
you performed in. They saw every celebration. They shared every holiday. They
know your passion and your conviction. They know the fire that burns in
your soul and the devotion you feel to something greater than self.
So why do
we leave?
When I
facilitate trainings I often say: “Leaving is extremely difficult. We
only desert when the pain of staying outweighs the pain of leaving. When
remaining is no longer an option. When it isn't who we are anymore. When
the communal ideals and values clash with our own. When we need to keep our
mouths shut more often than we can voice our opinions, when the clothing we
wear become too tight and the uniform no longer fits."
I spent
yesterday at Baruch College at a conference titled "Dissent and
Dissension: Approaching Ultra-Orthodoxy," a conference in which for the first time in a
conversation about leaving the ultra-Orthodox community I didn’t present. I was a witness. I listened.
I have been
doing that a lot lately—simply listening and holding space. Men and women with incredible
strength and courage walk through the doors of my private practice and of Footsteps. Individuals trust me with their stories as they step into their
truth, regardless of the price. They are striving to live authentically. They
see all that is in front of them, and with quivering steps they begin a new
reality. Although fearful, they audaciously go forth.
As I
prepare for Passover, I think about the exodus story and I can't help but
wonder, when the Rabbis say that only a fifth of the nation left Egypt do they
mean that the rest stayed behind because it was easier to conform? Was it as
difficult to leave then as it is now?
Did we have
the courage to walk into the Sea of Reeds knowing that it would split because
we had no other choice? Because the Egyptians were at our tail and the wild
animals surrounded us and we saw no way out. Although we knew it meant perhaps
drowning. Did we feel that it was better to drown than to go back?
Did we
understand that leaving meant wandering in the desert for 40 years? Did we
comprehend that there is this in-between space we enter when we leave the familiar?
A place of no-man’s land. A space where we redefine our beliefs. A
space where we wander, trying to find a new place to call home.
Yet, in all
the searching throughout the wilderness we would never go back. The text tells
us the Israelites kept asking Moses to return to Egypt. I'm sure they could
have, and maybe some of them did, but ultimately they stayed. As free beings
they wandered. They searched. They grappled. And, perhaps they never found the
Promised Land—but their children did! They created a better tomorrow for the
generation that came after them, and they journeyed into a different reality
for themselves. A life that shirked off slavery. An existence that albeit
difficult was of their own making. A universe in which only 20 percent had the
courage to travel to.
I am
beginning to realize that it takes tremendous bravery to leave, whether it is a
job, a marriage, or a community. The ambiguity of the unknown keeps many of us
in places that no longer fit us.
But
eventually, if the cost of staying becomes higher than the one of leaving, we
do the thing that we never imagined we would do. We stride determinately into
the uncertain.
So...
What in
your life is really hard to leave?
What in
your life has reached the boiling point where staying has become more difficult
than leaving?
What in
your life do you need to walk towards?
As we enter
Passover, may you have the courage to step into the water as it reaches your neck,
the patience to wander through the desert as you find your Promised Land, and the
peace of mind in journeying in a life of your own choosing.
Upcoming Events:
5/12/16- Building Bridges while Breaking
Bread - Religion and Violence!
6:00pm Vegetarian Meal
7:00pm Panel Discussion
One Spirit Interfaith
Alliance
247 West 36th
Street – Sixth Floor
New York, NY 10018
6/24/16 - Tehom: Deepening our Prayers:
A Renewal Friday night service at the Fair Lawn 6:30pm
Service
Fair Lawn Jewish Center
10-10 Norma Avenue
Fair Lawn, NJ 07410
1/15/17—Coming of Age –
How to create rituals for Coming of Age
One Spirit Interfaith
Alliance
247 West 36th
Street – Sixth Floor
New York, NY 10018
2/17/17—President’s
Weekend –
Nehirim Women’s Retreat, An LGBTQ Spiritual
Shabbaton – "Forgiveness, What’s in it for me?"
Pearlstone Retreat Center: Maryland
