2020 - Small and Consistent Steps - A Pride Shabbat Reflection

My partner and I wrote and delivered this D’var Torah about an hour ago on Zoom, for Pride Shabbat at our Synagogue. 

A child was walking along a beach littered with starfish washed up by the tide. As they walked the beach they kept picking up starfish after starfish and tossing them gently back into the water. An older person watching them asked, What are you doing? There are thousands of starfish covering the beach, you will never be able to get them all back into the water. It won’t make a difference. The child picked up yet another starfish and placed it back into the water, and responded, “It made a difference to THAT one”.

This weeks Torah Portion is Parshat Sh’lach, the Torah tells us about the story of the Meraglim, a dozen men - one respected person from each tribe that Moses sends to scout out the land of Canaan to see if the Israelites can conquer it. Of the 12 spies sent only 2, Caleb and Joshua, come back hopeful saying “We shall surely overcome it” (Numbers, 13:30). The other 10 say that it’s impossible. Stating “we came to the land …it does indeed flow with milk and honey…. However the people who inhabit the country are powerful and the cities are fortified and very large” (Numbers 13:27,28) …they go on to say “We were like grasshoppers in our eyes, and so we were in theirs” (Numbers 13:33).

Of all the ways the spies could have reported the situation they chose to say “we were like grasshoppers in our eyes” as if to say, because we perceived ourselves as being not up to the task we imagined that we appeared that way to others as well. 

When Rabbi Steiner sat down with us almost 6 weeks ago to select a date for a Pride Shabbat celebration we saw that this weekend was Juneteenth AND Parshat Sh’lach we thought it would be a good fit. As many of us have recently learned. It was on this very day, June 19 ^th  in 1865, that a union soldier read the Emancipation Proclamation, to the last enslaved African Americans in Texas, granting them their freedom. We celebrate not the conception of the freedom which had been written over two years earlier but rather the application of that freedom throughout our land. 

Throughout the US and in some parts of the world the month of June is celebrated as Pride month. This is because 51 years ago the LGBTQ+ community grew tired of being harassed, threatened, and marginalized simply for trying to live their lives in a way that society felt threatened by.  As is often the case in uprisings, accounts vary, but most go something like this…On June 28^th, 1969 the police raided the Stonewall Inn in NYC. They arrested people for the crime of dressing in a way that differed from society’s norms at that time, or dancing with someone of the same gender. Among those arrested that night was Storme DeLarverie (stormy; de-LAR-ver-ee) who was born to a black mother and a white father. She dressed and performed like a man for most of her adult life. As they pushed her into the police wagon. She yelled out the growing crowd on the street, “Why don’t you guys do something?” that is when Marsha P Johnson, an African American drag-queen threw the first brick, and the uprising began. 

So very much has changed in 51 years… I still can’t believe that I have the right to marry my partner, that we have found an amazingly inclusive synagogue and community that not just accept but celebrate us as a couple and family.

JRS: Despite the incredible win for LGBT employment rights from the Supreme Court this week. In ALL 50 states, if you work for a religious organization you can be fired for being LGBTQ.  Seven years ago, my partner and I moved in together. That meant I had to give up my job as a teacher in a religious school. Despite being a tenured teacher with excellent administration reviews, despite being the head of my department, despite being active in extracurricular events on campus, being the union representative… they could fire me because of a morality clause in my contract - even if that clause was exercised when the school wanted to get rid of some one and ignored when they didn’t exercise.  I have been working 2, 3 even more jobs for the last 7 years - and I am still making 10% less than I did then. 

Chani: I grew in the Ultra orthodox Chasidish community. I left the community with no education, 3 children and very few of my hundreds of family members speaking to me. My ex-husband knew that I was gay - I figured it out while we were still married. It was never an issue for him in terms of my parenting. In 2009, 9 years after our divorce, I was the willing subject of article in the Forward, where I was open about being gay and still very Orthodox. When it became public knowledge under pressure and with the substantial financial backing of the community he sued me for custody of my children. As a naive 23 year old without legal representation I had signed an agreement in the Bais Din or Jewish Court that I would continue raising my children ultra orthodox, unbeknownst to me this agreement was binding in New York State Family Court.  Luckily, I had evidence that my children had been living in a Modern Orthodox community and attending Modern Orthodox schools for many years, and I did not lose custody of my children. I do not delude myself for a moment, that it was sheer luck and providence that kept my children from being thrust under the control of a community that doesn’t value individuality or individual freedoms. 

Chani continues: I have spent the past 7 years working to keep that from happening to other parents both in New York and here in New Jersey who are sued for custody often based on their sexuality, or gender presentation.  

We share these painful vignettes from our lives, not out of a desire for compassion, or pity, but with the hope that it will help our amazing community to understand that while we have come a long way in 51 years, we still have a long way to go. 

So what does this have to do with Parshat Sh’lach ? We get to decide for ourselves each day “What now?”  Do we want to be like the 10 scouts who cried to Moses, we are like grasshoppers, this is too much for me, for anyone… The state of the world and the injustice in it, it is too much… Or do we want to be like Caleb and Joshua and keep the faith that “We shall surely overcome it”? Reinhold Niebuhr who wrote the Serenity Prayer also wrote “Nothing that is worth doing can be achieved in our lifetime; therefore we must be saved by hope.”  

It is about taking one small step at a time, doing one small thing at a time, saving one starfish at a time consistently even when it seems like those efforts are futile. The Temple will be sending out an email shortly on how we can get involved in support of Black Lives Matter. 

For LGBTQ+ rights, there is one small thing that you can ALL do after Shabbos, if you aren’t already doing this. You can start by adding your preferred pronouns at the end of your signatures in your emails or on Zoom. You may notice that Chani goes by (ALL - so you can call Chani, He, She, or They). I go by (She - Always  no matter whether I’m wearing heels or hiking boots) How does that help anyone? -you may wonder. The construct of gender being binary causes a great deal of pain and suffering to those who don’t fit that mold. Gender based pronouns are a huge part of that suffering. When we take for granted that everyone named Jonathan goes by “he” and everyone named Jennifer goes by “she” we contribute to the perpetuation of a binary gender construct. It may not sound like a big deal, but imagine if your name were Jonathan or Jennifer, but you preferred to be called Jon or Jen, because the name you were given at birth never spoke to you. Now imagine if you couldn’t sign your e-mails as Jon or Jen and you had to try to verbally correct people as you go along. That would be frustrating, wouldn’t it? Now imagine that you were discriminated against at work, at school, in housing, in receiving services or accommodations and healthcare because you wanted to go by Jon or Jen.  How likely would you be to correct people about what you prefer to be called? The simple gesture of adding your gender pronouns, says to the individual who is struggling with their preferred pronouns, that YOU don’t expect everyone to fit into the mold, that YOU are a safe person, that YOU hold a safe space for them to question their identity. 

We can only do one thing at a time, we can only help one starfish at a time, but then hey, it makes a difference to that starfish, and before we know it, we are no longer grasshoppers but giants making a difference. 

2020 - To be Witnessed: A Shavout Reflection

Beginning on the second night of Passover, Jews begin the counting of the Omer. We count every evening for 49 days; a full seven weeks, and on the 50^thevening we celebrate the holiday of Shavuot.  Shavuot is the holiday in which we commemorate receiving the Torah - the ten commandments on Mount Sinai.   We celebrate our acceptance of the contract when we collectively said, Yes! In the text is says we celebrate saying Yes, fully!  In Hebrew we said “Na’ase V’nishma”, which translates to “we will do, and we will listen” - meaning we committed to doing, even before we knew all the details, even before we understood the depth of that commitment.

Shavuot is known as the marriage between The Divine* and Humanity. 

As the holiday approaches, I find myself pondering the question - 

What does it mean to be married to Spirit*?

First, what does it mean to be married? or Partnered? or Committed?

We all enter relationships for different reasons – I have found that the thing that we desire most, the thing that keeps us yearning for partnership - despite the messiness of balancing our own needs with the needs of others - is that we desire to be witnessed, to be seen, to be fully accepted. When we commit ourselves in relationship, we say in words and in actions: Your life is worth witnessing. I am interested in your day-to-day troubles and triumphs. I am here for the simple things like the groceries, the dirty laundry. I am here for the moments of silliness and the moments of deep pain. Your life is worthy, and I want to be a part of it. YOU are worth it. You are worth being witnessed and I see you!

So, to be partnered is to be witnessed and it’s not different when we partner with God*. On Mount Sinai, we as humans say to The Divine*, “I witness your world -  the beauty and the ugliness, and I show up to help your people - the downtrodden ones, the ones who are not being treated well, and the ones who aren’t treating themselves well. We partner with Mother Nature* saying - I am here, in this world… witnessing the beauty of the mountain and the pain of the homeless, the agony of the sick and the joy of the newborn. I am here. 

Spirit* does the same. The Divine* witnessed us, and chose to come into covenantal commitment with us, ALL of who we are - the good, the bad and the ugly. God* even recommitted after the sin of the golden calf by giving us the 2^nd set of tablets. 

Relationship is about seeing ALL of the other person and not trying to change them, but to see them for who they are.

Perhaps we can also make this commitment in relationship with our selves. Can we give ourselves permission to see all of who we are, to see our faults and our gifts, to see our joy and our pain? Can we give ourselves permission to be ALL of who we are… and feel all of what we feel?

As we step into Shavuot, the holiday of commitment and covenant, I bless us all  with the gift of being witnessed by those who know and love us. Further, I bless us all to witness ourselves, to see all of who we are. And perhaps most of all, I bless us all that we be kind in our acceptance of self and those around us.

Chag Somayach

A Git Yom tov

Chani

*insert word that you feel connected to, whether it is God, Divine, Spirit, Goddess, Mother Nature, Father Sky, that which is greater than self, etc.

2020 - Why Is This Year Different Than All Other Years? A Passover Reflection

As I prepare for Passover, I think about what it means to me this year and I notice that I have no idea. It feels so different than years past. We’ll have a small seder without many of the dishes we usually make, our friends won’t be gracing our table, and for the first time in her life - our youngest daughter will not be coming home. 

The Biblical name for Egypt is Mitzrayim from the root “Metzar” or narrow place. We are each navigating the narrow space of this worldwide pandemic in our own individual ways. Within the collective experience, our personal life circumstances are uniquely ours. Even when our experiences may look the same, we have various coping mechanisms and triggers that inform our feelings, reactions and responses. 

Some of us are alone, and are craving human contact, while others feel that they have no alone time as they are with people all day, every day.  Some of have lost our jobs, while some of us are working non-stop. Many of us are praying for loved ones on the front lines, or sick in a hospital. Some of us are losing family members, friends, co-workers, neighbors, and for some of us the stark reality of grieving alone with no shiva or memorial service is the hardest part of all of this.

So… How do we step into the holidays of this week? How do we embrace Passover, and/or Easter, when our standard and usual celebrations will not happen this year?

I must admit that I simply don’t know. This year, I have many more questions than answers. This year, I have many more concerns and prayers than feelings of liberation and freedom. At a time where every day brings new challenges, where every night is different from all other nights, I go back to childhood to find my path forward. 

As a young child, I clearly remember my parents’ Rebbe saying during one of the Passover Seders that during the time when we recite the four questions is a window of opportunity for everyone to ask God the deep questions that we don’t dare to ask during the year. We get to sit with those questions, and ask, “Why _______??”, Why this night? Why am I alone? Why can’t I be alone? Why this plague? Why me? Why Us? Why? Why? Why? 

What are the questions stirring deep inside of you during this time? What would YOU ask God / Power Greater than Self/ Divine Spirit/ Mother Earth/ Father Sky? 

Do we have the bravery to ask ourselves these questions? Can we sit without the answers? How can we notice our own doubts and fears, our own insecurities and our own longings and just be with it all?

For tonight, my invitation is to trust that we have permission to ask and that in asking we may just find the faith that all narrow spaces will eventually open up, along with our hearts – as they always do.

I bless us all as we enter Passover and Holy Week to have the courage to ask the questions that live in our hearts and to sit with the unknowing of it all. 

May we be blessed with security, comfort, friendship, safety, love, compassion, gentleness, and above all, may we be blessed with health and may this world heal. 

A Fraylichen Pessach

Happy Passover

Chag Somayach

Happy Easter

Chani

Passover begins tonight, April 8^th at sundown.

2020 - The Fear and Desire of Being Seen: A Purim Reflection

I personally have always had a hard time with the celebration and the Holiday of Purim. To start, I never enjoyed going around all over town delivering Mishloach Manos (baskets of food to others) the drinking, or the drunk drivers on the road. The story itself is a violent one. A man kills his wife because she refuses to put on a show for his friends. He selects a new wife who has no choice but to marry him. One group of people blame another group for the problems of the time, leading to a civil war, where the people kill each other in order to stay alive.

The more I thought about writing a Purim reflection this year, the more I simply wanted to pretend that this holiday did not exist and let it pass unacknowledged.  Then, I realized that there is more to the Purim story: the story of revealing oneself, the story of coming out, the story of being seen and the story of witnessing.

In the Purim story, Mordechai asks Esther to tell Achashverosh (Xerxes)  who she is, what her ancestry is, what her nationality is, and who her people are. Esther responds by coming up with a valid excuse. She says: ”Everyone knows that if you come before the king when he hasn't invited you then you can be killed, and he hasn't called me in 30 days.” She literally says “everyone knows”. It is common knowledge how dangerous it to show up, to be one’s true self, to come before another uninvited. It is terrifying. 

I have noticed over the years that many of us live in loneliness, that there is a deep desire for relationship, and a deep yearning for connection. So many of us have this deep craving to be seen, to be understood, and to be accepted. Yet, many of us feel that we are going to die if we show our partner, our parents, our children, our siblings, our friends, or even our co-workers who we truly are.  

How often do we come up with stories or excuses some even seemingly valid to create divisions between our loved ones and us?  We would rather be lonely than vulnerable. We would rather yearn than express our truth. We would rather be invisible than to tell the story of where we come from, and display the hurt that has shaped us. Because being in relationship means exposing our wounds and risking them being re-opened.

I bless us all with the courage of Esther, to come out, to show ourselves, our full self, not just the nice things, but also where we come from, our histories, our vulnerabilities the things we would rather forget, the things that have shaped us. By doing that we give ourselves the possibility of being seen, being understood, being witnessed and most of all, perhaps even feeling connected.

Many Blessings
Chani
This year Purim is celebrated tonight, Monday evening, March 9th thru Tuesday evening March 10th. In some cities (such as Jerusalem) it is celebrated on Tuesday evening March 10th thru Wednesday evening March 11th

2019 - Let's bring in the light -A holiday invitation

I went to a solstice celebration this past Friday night. In a circle of 18 women we celebrated and felt into the longest night. We stepped fully into what keeps us in the shadows, hidden from others and ourselves and what allows us to step into our power, our light our individuality.  Then, on Sunday night I lit the first candle for Chanukah, during the winter month, as the moon is waning and as it renews, when we can barely see her in the sky, we bring in light for 8 nights

Most of us are celebrating or at least acknowledging light in some form this week. Whether is it Chanukah, Christmas, Kwanzaa, Yule, etc… we are stepping into the possibility of light during the darkest time of our calendar year.  It is the moment when we bring hope into despair.

What in your life could use a little courage?

What in your families’ life can use a little optimism?

What in our cities, states, countries, planet and beyond can use a little brightness?

What little thing can we each do to bring that hope into the world?

As we gather this week, alone, or together… with family of origin, families we created or strangers… With the ones we love, or those we tolerate, I bless us all to hold on to what this holiday season is about, the ability of us as humans brining light into places that are filled with anguish, to bring desire into places that have given up and to allow our light to shine, invited others to bask in our glow.

Many Blessings

Happy Holidays

Chani

2019 - Coming out is a Process: A Sukkot Reflection & Upcoming Event

A friend called me about a month ago asking to meet. She had something personal she wanted to share. When we met, she explained that she recently found out that she was a “highly sensitive” person. What that means is that she experiences acute physical, mental and emotional responses to stimuli.  Here she was, in her late 40’s that she figured this out about herself.  She also discovered that this is not the way everyone else feels. This reality that made her who she was - something that has shaped her and her interactions with people, and she didn’t know that this was not what all humans felt when things touched them, when they heard loud noises or when they were in large groups. With this awareness, she realized that she didn’t have to keep fighting to fit in, that she could relax in the knowledge of who she was with her unique experience of life. 

As we talked, she reminded me of our meeting 7 years ago when she tentatively came out to me as gay. It was so eye opening, so incredible, so amazing to have a name for what she had been feeling all these years. Coming out to me then, she felt relief. And this new coming out felt like liberation all over again.

We all as human beings go through the process of coming out to ourselves over and over in our lives. Whether it’s about our identity, figuring out our passion in life, our calling, our way of connection, etc.   

My friend needed to go through the challenging process of coming out as a gay woman all those years ago in order to step more fully into who she is, and it was that work that allowed her to go deeper to where more truths about herself could be revealed. 

The Harvest Festival of Sukkot (Sukkos) asks us to build flimsy dwelling places, or huts, with roofs that allow the sun, rain and wind to flow through them, and to spend 7 days in them. We eat, sing, pray, shake the arba minim (4 species) and some even sleep in the sukkah.

After completing the 40 days of reflection that began Rosh Chodesh Elul, praying, celebrating the New Year (Rosh Hashanah), forgiving ourselves and returning to who we are (Yom Kippur), we are asked to build a Sukkah, to take a step out of our comfort zones and walk into the vulnerability of a temporary dwelling place.

I marvel every year that we need to first forgive ourselves, return to our center - to who we truly are at our core, before we can set out into these exposed huts. There is a reason Yom Kippur falls before Sukkot.  We need to be grounded in who we are, understanding ourselves and understanding that even as we discover new things about ourselves (coming out) we, at our core, do not change. We need to first stand firm in our roots in order to walk bravely into that unknown and vulnerable mystery of this life (Sukkah). We can only then be ready for what needs to be revealed. And once that is revealed we can come out again, and again….and again. 

I bless us to step into this week of Sukkot with wonder, with curiosity, with the question: Who am I today? What about me is needing to be revealed? How can I show up in this impermanent world with ALL of who I am and all I have to offer?

UPCOMING EVENT:

Join me on October 27th at Congregation Beth Sholom of Teaneck Sisterhood Opening Brunch:
COMING OUT IS A PROCESS: THE MANY WAYS I HAD TO COME OUT TO KEEP FINDING MYSELF:
RSVP: To Karen at msb1504@aol.com  or 201-837-3719

2019 - The Importance of Being Witnessed - A Rosh Hashanah Reflection

The new year – both Jewish and Secular – is about reflecting on the years gone by and setting intentions for the year to come. 

As many of you know on June 25^th, 2017 I got injured and have been suffering from PCS (post-concussion syndrome). As I struggled to figure out how to take care of the symptoms, I finally took two months to heal, reflect, retreat in order to come up with a plan for going forward.

As the 8 weeks of my medical leave from work come to a close, I am reflecting on how I have spent my time and what I have learned over these past 2 months.

I am proud that I truly took the time to heal; I did NOT finish projects at home (which beckoned every day), take time marketing my business (which always feels important), or waste time watching TV (which is so easy to zone out even if it gives me headaches). Instead I checked in with my body every day. I went to numerous medical doctors to diagnose issues that I had been ignoring. I went to a plethora of professionals such as physical, cognitive, vision therapies and, of course, my regular therapist appointments. I tried numerous alternative healings, such as sound healing, cranial sacral massage, chakra work and energy healing. I said NO, over and over again to things that I felt would take too much of my energy. Lastly, I went away for 4 days to a private retreat where I could come to terms with ALL of what is happening to my body while reconnecting with my soul.

During my time away, I was blessed to stay in twenty-two acres of woods with Arti, who held all that came up for me and more. She calls her retreats Chrysalis Springs and that is exactly what it felt like.  I was able to go into the chrysalis and deal with my injury and come out as a new butterfly. In being witnessed, I healed.  

I have spent the past 20 years of my life growing, healing and looking deeply into what is next for me. I came to understand that this injury has its own lessons to teach. These are lessons that will take some time as I learn to live with it.  I finally fully noticed the pain I have been carrying for all this time and the judgment I had around it, the harshness with which I pushed myself. 

I came away with three major takeaways from these past two months of listening of being witnessed and of witnessing all in myself that came up.

1 – Although I have been working on boundaries for years, I have more work to do. I need to put stronger boundaries up to better protect my health and my energy levels. 

2 - I need more gentleness around this injury and I need to be the one to give it to myself. 

3 –I need to keep checking in with my body and give it what it needs.

Throughout my healing process, my family has been amazing and supportive, but ultimately, I need to be the one checking in with myself, putting up boundaries and being gentle.

It feels like synchronicity that the episode of The Forbidden Apple podcast I am featured on about the importance of being witnessed was just released. It was an honor spending time with Melissa and Pelayo in conversation about this important topic. My work at Footsteps and in my private practice (which includes transition coaching, spiritual counseling and officiating ceremonies), is all about witnessing my clients through their big and small moments. 

As I transition from my healing time back into my private practice and my work at Footsteps, I am grateful for the time I took to regroup and recharge, and I look forward to showing up for myself and for the world, in this new year in a deeper and more present way.  

Many Blessings

Shana Tova (Happy Jewish New Year)

Chani  

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