2020 - Why Is This Year Different Than All Other Years? A Passover Reflection

As I prepare for Passover, I think about what it means to me this year and I notice that I have no idea. It feels so different than years past. We’ll have a small seder without many of the dishes we usually make, our friends won’t be gracing our table, and for the first time in her life - our youngest daughter will not be coming home. 

The Biblical name for Egypt is Mitzrayim from the root “Metzar” or narrow place. We are each navigating the narrow space of this worldwide pandemic in our own individual ways. Within the collective experience, our personal life circumstances are uniquely ours. Even when our experiences may look the same, we have various coping mechanisms and triggers that inform our feelings, reactions and responses. 

Some of us are alone, and are craving human contact, while others feel that they have no alone time as they are with people all day, every day.  Some of have lost our jobs, while some of us are working non-stop. Many of us are praying for loved ones on the front lines, or sick in a hospital. Some of us are losing family members, friends, co-workers, neighbors, and for some of us the stark reality of grieving alone with no shiva or memorial service is the hardest part of all of this.

So… How do we step into the holidays of this week? How do we embrace Passover, and/or Easter, when our standard and usual celebrations will not happen this year?

I must admit that I simply don’t know. This year, I have many more questions than answers. This year, I have many more concerns and prayers than feelings of liberation and freedom. At a time where every day brings new challenges, where every night is different from all other nights, I go back to childhood to find my path forward. 

As a young child, I clearly remember my parents’ Rebbe saying during one of the Passover Seders that during the time when we recite the four questions is a window of opportunity for everyone to ask God the deep questions that we don’t dare to ask during the year. We get to sit with those questions, and ask, “Why _______??”, Why this night? Why am I alone? Why can’t I be alone? Why this plague? Why me? Why Us? Why? Why? Why? 

What are the questions stirring deep inside of you during this time? What would YOU ask God / Power Greater than Self/ Divine Spirit/ Mother Earth/ Father Sky? 

Do we have the bravery to ask ourselves these questions? Can we sit without the answers? How can we notice our own doubts and fears, our own insecurities and our own longings and just be with it all?

For tonight, my invitation is to trust that we have permission to ask and that in asking we may just find the faith that all narrow spaces will eventually open up, along with our hearts – as they always do.

I bless us all as we enter Passover and Holy Week to have the courage to ask the questions that live in our hearts and to sit with the unknowing of it all. 

May we be blessed with security, comfort, friendship, safety, love, compassion, gentleness, and above all, may we be blessed with health and may this world heal. 

A Fraylichen Pessach

Happy Passover

Chag Somayach

Happy Easter

Chani

Passover begins tonight, April 8^th at sundown.

2020 - The Fear and Desire of Being Seen: A Purim Reflection

I personally have always had a hard time with the celebration and the Holiday of Purim. To start, I never enjoyed going around all over town delivering Mishloach Manos (baskets of food to others) the drinking, or the drunk drivers on the road. The story itself is a violent one. A man kills his wife because she refuses to put on a show for his friends. He selects a new wife who has no choice but to marry him. One group of people blame another group for the problems of the time, leading to a civil war, where the people kill each other in order to stay alive.

The more I thought about writing a Purim reflection this year, the more I simply wanted to pretend that this holiday did not exist and let it pass unacknowledged.  Then, I realized that there is more to the Purim story: the story of revealing oneself, the story of coming out, the story of being seen and the story of witnessing.

In the Purim story, Mordechai asks Esther to tell Achashverosh (Xerxes)  who she is, what her ancestry is, what her nationality is, and who her people are. Esther responds by coming up with a valid excuse. She says: ”Everyone knows that if you come before the king when he hasn't invited you then you can be killed, and he hasn't called me in 30 days.” She literally says “everyone knows”. It is common knowledge how dangerous it to show up, to be one’s true self, to come before another uninvited. It is terrifying. 

I have noticed over the years that many of us live in loneliness, that there is a deep desire for relationship, and a deep yearning for connection. So many of us have this deep craving to be seen, to be understood, and to be accepted. Yet, many of us feel that we are going to die if we show our partner, our parents, our children, our siblings, our friends, or even our co-workers who we truly are.  

How often do we come up with stories or excuses some even seemingly valid to create divisions between our loved ones and us?  We would rather be lonely than vulnerable. We would rather yearn than express our truth. We would rather be invisible than to tell the story of where we come from, and display the hurt that has shaped us. Because being in relationship means exposing our wounds and risking them being re-opened.

I bless us all with the courage of Esther, to come out, to show ourselves, our full self, not just the nice things, but also where we come from, our histories, our vulnerabilities the things we would rather forget, the things that have shaped us. By doing that we give ourselves the possibility of being seen, being understood, being witnessed and most of all, perhaps even feeling connected.

Many Blessings
Chani
This year Purim is celebrated tonight, Monday evening, March 9th thru Tuesday evening March 10th. In some cities (such as Jerusalem) it is celebrated on Tuesday evening March 10th thru Wednesday evening March 11th

2019 - Let's bring in the light -A holiday invitation

I went to a solstice celebration this past Friday night. In a circle of 18 women we celebrated and felt into the longest night. We stepped fully into what keeps us in the shadows, hidden from others and ourselves and what allows us to step into our power, our light our individuality.  Then, on Sunday night I lit the first candle for Chanukah, during the winter month, as the moon is waning and as it renews, when we can barely see her in the sky, we bring in light for 8 nights

Most of us are celebrating or at least acknowledging light in some form this week. Whether is it Chanukah, Christmas, Kwanzaa, Yule, etc… we are stepping into the possibility of light during the darkest time of our calendar year.  It is the moment when we bring hope into despair.

What in your life could use a little courage?

What in your families’ life can use a little optimism?

What in our cities, states, countries, planet and beyond can use a little brightness?

What little thing can we each do to bring that hope into the world?

As we gather this week, alone, or together… with family of origin, families we created or strangers… With the ones we love, or those we tolerate, I bless us all to hold on to what this holiday season is about, the ability of us as humans brining light into places that are filled with anguish, to bring desire into places that have given up and to allow our light to shine, invited others to bask in our glow.

Many Blessings

Happy Holidays

Chani

2019 - Coming out is a Process: A Sukkot Reflection & Upcoming Event

A friend called me about a month ago asking to meet. She had something personal she wanted to share. When we met, she explained that she recently found out that she was a “highly sensitive” person. What that means is that she experiences acute physical, mental and emotional responses to stimuli.  Here she was, in her late 40’s that she figured this out about herself.  She also discovered that this is not the way everyone else feels. This reality that made her who she was - something that has shaped her and her interactions with people, and she didn’t know that this was not what all humans felt when things touched them, when they heard loud noises or when they were in large groups. With this awareness, she realized that she didn’t have to keep fighting to fit in, that she could relax in the knowledge of who she was with her unique experience of life. 

As we talked, she reminded me of our meeting 7 years ago when she tentatively came out to me as gay. It was so eye opening, so incredible, so amazing to have a name for what she had been feeling all these years. Coming out to me then, she felt relief. And this new coming out felt like liberation all over again.

We all as human beings go through the process of coming out to ourselves over and over in our lives. Whether it’s about our identity, figuring out our passion in life, our calling, our way of connection, etc.   

My friend needed to go through the challenging process of coming out as a gay woman all those years ago in order to step more fully into who she is, and it was that work that allowed her to go deeper to where more truths about herself could be revealed. 

The Harvest Festival of Sukkot (Sukkos) asks us to build flimsy dwelling places, or huts, with roofs that allow the sun, rain and wind to flow through them, and to spend 7 days in them. We eat, sing, pray, shake the arba minim (4 species) and some even sleep in the sukkah.

After completing the 40 days of reflection that began Rosh Chodesh Elul, praying, celebrating the New Year (Rosh Hashanah), forgiving ourselves and returning to who we are (Yom Kippur), we are asked to build a Sukkah, to take a step out of our comfort zones and walk into the vulnerability of a temporary dwelling place.

I marvel every year that we need to first forgive ourselves, return to our center - to who we truly are at our core, before we can set out into these exposed huts. There is a reason Yom Kippur falls before Sukkot.  We need to be grounded in who we are, understanding ourselves and understanding that even as we discover new things about ourselves (coming out) we, at our core, do not change. We need to first stand firm in our roots in order to walk bravely into that unknown and vulnerable mystery of this life (Sukkah). We can only then be ready for what needs to be revealed. And once that is revealed we can come out again, and again….and again. 

I bless us to step into this week of Sukkot with wonder, with curiosity, with the question: Who am I today? What about me is needing to be revealed? How can I show up in this impermanent world with ALL of who I am and all I have to offer?

UPCOMING EVENT:

Join me on October 27th at Congregation Beth Sholom of Teaneck Sisterhood Opening Brunch:
COMING OUT IS A PROCESS: THE MANY WAYS I HAD TO COME OUT TO KEEP FINDING MYSELF:
RSVP: To Karen at msb1504@aol.com  or 201-837-3719

2019 - The Importance of Being Witnessed - A Rosh Hashanah Reflection

The new year – both Jewish and Secular – is about reflecting on the years gone by and setting intentions for the year to come. 

As many of you know on June 25^th, 2017 I got injured and have been suffering from PCS (post-concussion syndrome). As I struggled to figure out how to take care of the symptoms, I finally took two months to heal, reflect, retreat in order to come up with a plan for going forward.

As the 8 weeks of my medical leave from work come to a close, I am reflecting on how I have spent my time and what I have learned over these past 2 months.

I am proud that I truly took the time to heal; I did NOT finish projects at home (which beckoned every day), take time marketing my business (which always feels important), or waste time watching TV (which is so easy to zone out even if it gives me headaches). Instead I checked in with my body every day. I went to numerous medical doctors to diagnose issues that I had been ignoring. I went to a plethora of professionals such as physical, cognitive, vision therapies and, of course, my regular therapist appointments. I tried numerous alternative healings, such as sound healing, cranial sacral massage, chakra work and energy healing. I said NO, over and over again to things that I felt would take too much of my energy. Lastly, I went away for 4 days to a private retreat where I could come to terms with ALL of what is happening to my body while reconnecting with my soul.

During my time away, I was blessed to stay in twenty-two acres of woods with Arti, who held all that came up for me and more. She calls her retreats Chrysalis Springs and that is exactly what it felt like.  I was able to go into the chrysalis and deal with my injury and come out as a new butterfly. In being witnessed, I healed.  

I have spent the past 20 years of my life growing, healing and looking deeply into what is next for me. I came to understand that this injury has its own lessons to teach. These are lessons that will take some time as I learn to live with it.  I finally fully noticed the pain I have been carrying for all this time and the judgment I had around it, the harshness with which I pushed myself. 

I came away with three major takeaways from these past two months of listening of being witnessed and of witnessing all in myself that came up.

1 – Although I have been working on boundaries for years, I have more work to do. I need to put stronger boundaries up to better protect my health and my energy levels. 

2 - I need more gentleness around this injury and I need to be the one to give it to myself. 

3 –I need to keep checking in with my body and give it what it needs.

Throughout my healing process, my family has been amazing and supportive, but ultimately, I need to be the one checking in with myself, putting up boundaries and being gentle.

It feels like synchronicity that the episode of The Forbidden Apple podcast I am featured on about the importance of being witnessed was just released. It was an honor spending time with Melissa and Pelayo in conversation about this important topic. My work at Footsteps and in my private practice (which includes transition coaching, spiritual counseling and officiating ceremonies), is all about witnessing my clients through their big and small moments. 

As I transition from my healing time back into my private practice and my work at Footsteps, I am grateful for the time I took to regroup and recharge, and I look forward to showing up for myself and for the world, in this new year in a deeper and more present way.  

Many Blessings

Shana Tova (Happy Jewish New Year)

Chani  

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2019 - Wholeness is Holy - A Passover Reflection:

“There is a knife sticking out of my heart and a constant trickle of blood comes out… every so often the knife gets moved, twisted and the blood gushes out. I do my job at work, take care of what I need to at home, do the shopping and the errands and marvel that no one sees that I am leaving a trail of blood behind me.” This is what a woman at a support group meeting said in explaining what it felt like when her child didn’t let her know that she had given birth.

I was facilitating a meeting for parents whose children do not speak to them, either because the courts took their children, or due to alienation. Some of their children are adults and have chosen religion over relationship, worshipping a God that would have people shun each other because of beliefs rather then come together in unity.

As many of us prepare to set the table for tonight’s Seder, or continue this Holy Week into Easter, I am reminded of how many tables will have empty seats. It’s not because these people are no longer on Earth, but because children, grandchildren, parents, or siblings believe or worship differently; leading to a bloody trail of broken hearts, and nobody notices.

What is freedom? Since the meeting I keep turning this question over and over in my mind… Wondering how to alleviate the pain that we as humans inflict on one another. 

I wish I could take the knife out and stop the bleeding, for us as humans to mend the broken fences, heal the wounds and put relationship over religion, love over needing to be right, and compassion over stubbornness.  Perhaps I have become a pessimist with time, but in this moment I don’t see that happening. So I wonder… perhaps freedom is what Dr. Edith Eva Eger writes in her book.  The Choice. Perhaps freedom is embracing our trauma, noticing it, honoring it, talking about it, naming it.  So that when the knife gets twisted or we get another stab, we stop and breathe and notice our own pain. We name it, we watch the blood rushing out and we say to ourselves, “This hurts. This really hurts.” Perhaps we even give ourselves permission to cry, knowing that the pain will move past us, the wave will pass over us and maybe, just maybe, next year we can have Shalom – Wholeness! 

May we be blessed to notice our own wounds, the scabs that form over them, or our own scars.  May we know that when they are poked or prodded they bleed, and we hurt.  May we give each other the space to feel this pain.  May we grant ourselves the compassion and courage to name what hurts us.  Most of all, may we posses the courage to feel and express all of what moves through us hopefully setting us free.

A Nissen Pessach (Yiddish)

Chag Somayach (Hebrew)

Happy Holidays

Chani

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2019 - Event Cancelled Tomorrow & Article

Event Cancelled:

Due to inclement weather predicted, the talk on the Process of Change that I was going to give tomorrow, Sunday the 20th at Temple Emeth in Teaneck NJ, has been cancelled,

I have heard from the Temple that many people have registered and am sorry for the inconvenience this may have caused you. I am in conversation with the Temple to see if this can be rescheduled for a different Sunday. Stay Tuned...

Click here for the article written in the Jewish Standard about this talk.

Many blessings!
Chani