2022 - The Sanctuary Within - A Tefillin Reflection:

  

 

“Tell me more about your journey with Tefillin*? I want to understand it.” Yael Kanarek asks me in a conversation a few weeks ago as she prepares the Toratah* Tefillin for Jericho Vincent. 

 

I pause… It is the end of 2006, my child had just been in  a horrible accident, they are still in so much pain, it is before I can leave them with a neighbor to go to work.  Joel, a new friend, comes by faithfully every day. He gently lifts my child out of bed and brings them to the main floor, as it is too difficult for me to do so. Each night he comes by again, carrying them from the main floor a flight up the stairs back to their bedroom.

 

He and I are having a cup of tea in the kitchen we are talking about how fast kids grow up, that before we know it my 11-year-old son will soon be 13. The conversation turns to Bar Mitzvah’s and since we are both XO (x-orthodox as we were known then) the conversation moves to Tefillin. My desire to try it on, to wear it, to experience it and his ultimate disgust in being forced to wear it day in and day out from the day he was 13 until he finally walked away in his early 20’s.

 

“I can give you my Tefillin”, he says as a joke. I say “Yes, please. Can you please bring it?” It takes a few months for him to bring me his Tefillin. It is difficult to part with stuff, even items that bring us pain… especially objects that hurt, perhaps even more so because they are the things that have shaped us.

 

As I hold his Tefillin in my hand, I can sense the absolute repulsion he felt towards them. There is a feeling of loathing coming out of the Tefillin as I hold these sacred objects. I can perceive the many years of aversion that he had with these items. I go out and buy a velvet burgundy bag for the Tefillin and for my burgundy-and-white tallit*.  Still the abhorrence is there. I embroider my name in rainbow colors on the burgundy it doesn’t seem to help at all. I hold the Tefillin in my hand, place it back into its original black velvet bag and put it away.

 

Flash forward, it is now November 2007, I am attending One Spirit Interfaith Seminary. We are studying Judaism in preparation for our in-person class. I call my dean. I tell her about these tefillin that have been sitting on my shelf for months, how much I desire wearing them, and the hatred that emanates from them every time I go near them.

 

“You are studying to be an interfaith minister, aren’t you?” she asks, “Why don’t you smudge them?”   Duh!!!

 

I light a candle, from the candle I light a packet of sage, and as the smoke rises I take the Tefillin out of their original bag, slowly and deliberately I allow the smoke to envelope the leather straps over and over until the energy changes, and then I do the same for the batim*.

The Tefillin are transformed before my very eyes, I can feel them calling to me to engage with them. I put them into the burgundy bag that has my name in rainbow colors, now they are mine. They are wanted! 

 

I have a friend teach me how to wrap them, slowly it becomes a daily practice, me in my room, wrapping the leather around my arm, my palm, my fingers… placing the tefillin on my third eye… chanting these words from Hosea (2:19-21). “I will betroth myself to you forever, I will betroth myself to you with righteousness, with kindness, with justice and with mercy, and I will betroth myself to you with fidelity so you will know God / Goddess.”  I finish the chant and repeat the word V’yadat (Genesis 4:1) over and over. V’yadat – to know… the way Adam knew Eve -  intimately. 

 

Tefillin becomes my almost daily practice.  Years later, my partner will propose to me using these words with a ring at the end of a black ribbon that looks like Tefillin. I, in turn will recite these words to her under our Chupah* in our backyard.  

 

I betroth myself to you… so that I will know me, so that I will know you, so that I will know.. know.. know… all of the many genders I inhabit… all the various ways I am in the world… all the countless ways I break and become whole again, so that I will know… intimately. 

 

Today, we read in our weekly Torah portion (Exodus 25:8) The Divine asks of us to create a Sanctuary. The Hebrew grammar is a bit messy – “You (singular) make for me a sanctuary so that I can dwell in them.” Our sages teach us that each and every one of us are commanded to create a sanctuary within us, so that Spirit can dwell in us. When I put on my tefillin, something becomes quiet as the sanctuary within me opens up and I remember the Soul that I am. It allows me to connect to that which is greater than myself. 

 

When I remember, this creation of sanctuary within allows me to walk around as one with the world… gifting others permission to create their own sanctuaries. 

 

That dear Yael, is how I feel wearing my Tefillin. I conclude my lengthy answer to her question. 

 

How do you create sacred space? What are the things that help you remember that you already are a sanctuary?

 

Yael askes that I invite those of you who are interested to attend the first Tefillin to Toratah, (Her Torah) to join us on Sunday at 1pm EST.

 

Shavua Tov – May you have a blessed week

Chani

*Tefillin =phylacteries 

*Toratah = her Torah – The bible in feminine language

*Tallit = prayer shawl

*Batim = boxes that hold the tefillin parchment

*Chupah = Marriage canopy

2022 - Permission to Feel - Desire!

"What if it were ok to feel your desire? to allow yourself to experience the intensity of sexual craving and pleasure?"
The fear that came across my client’s eyes (her face was covered with a mask) was palpable. 
“What are you so afraid of?”
“I am afraid that I would get lost in it.”
“What if you gave yourself permission to fully feel your longing and still say no to sex, to the actual act of doing anything with another.”
 
Something shifted.
 
My client is in her early 60’s. Someone who has been taught her entire life that sexual desire is immoral.  As a woman she was conditioned to believe she should not be feeling this way.  At the same time, she was taught through the actions of the women around her, the media and society in general, that she had no right to say no to sex. That if a man wanted her, it was her obligation to please.  In the past she had shared that she felt that she had sex too early, that she didn’t realize that she could have said no. She felt that she was dating him for a long time, and so she did it. We had discussed numerous times that her sexual craving was something she was ashamed of.
 
Somehow knowing that she had a right to say no to sex while still feeling desire opened and moved something in her, and her entire body relaxed.  Something inside was being transformed.
 
Many of us in the helping professions are aware that the individuals, couples, families who come seeking help from us, are often our greatest teachers. I sit in session and experience myself being transformed by those who share and allow me to witness them.
 
One such awareness is happening for me in real time as I have been studying with Yael Kanarek and Tamar Biala, over the past few months. These two women are in the process of re-gendering the Tanach (Old Testament). Wherever there are men, women appear and vice versa.  You can see more of this project here.
 
My local spiritual community has invited Yael to come and do a Toratah (feminine version of Torah – five books of Moses) study tomorrow with our community via zoom. I will be chanting verses from the regendered Torah portion this week, both in Hebrew and in English as we begin to study the text together. 
 
I will be chanting how Moshah (regendered Moses) stretched out her hand over the sea, and Tehovah (Goddess) moved the sea by a strong east wind… how the daughters of Tisraela (regendered Israelites) walked on dry land, and as the Metzerot (regendered Egyptians) chased after them into the midst of the sea with all of Par’ah’s (regendered Pharoah) mares, her chariots and her marewomen. 
 
As I practice chanting the re-gendered version of this sacred and problematic text, I find myself at a loss for words to explain the way that these new pronunciations are impacting my body and feeding something inside me that I didn’t even know I was hungry for.  I desperately want to explain to you all what it means for someone like me who was assigned female at birth, sat behind a mechitzah (physical divider between men and women) for the formative years of my life, to hear this story- this ancient narrative in this new construct- and yet I find myself without words.  Sometimes I don’t know what to do with this incredible reality of listening to the story in this new way, seeing problems in the text that were there before, now looking and sounding very different, but still so challenging, and yet so healing. Sitting with all of it. The discomfort of not having words yet feeling deeply, makes me feel lost in the experience.
 
I am gifting myself permission to feel my yearning, my desire, my absolute overwhelm with the text and not have to DO anything to fix or change it, or to fix or change me. 
 
My question to you dear ones, is this: What is the desire that you are afraid to feel because you think you might need to do something about it? What would it take for you to fully be with your desire and gift yourselves permission to just sit with it and FEEL? 
 
Shabbat Shalom (masculine usually used - translation: Have a Peaceful Shabbat)
Shabbat Shlayma (feminine meaning the same)
Blessings
Chani

2021-The Blessing of Change: A Rosh Hashanah Reflection

I am noticing a pattern:

 
Usually, this pattern happens in a bubble for individuals, when we experience a severe illness in ourselves or a loved one, or the loss of someone close to us, or a divorce, or a big transition in life. But now, this pattern is happening all over, with so many… it is like a phenomenon. Perhaps it is the pandemic, perhaps it is the natural disasters, the wars, perhaps it is the taking away of liberties here in the states and abroad. Whatever it is…something is changing. Change is here, and we are all feeling it.
 
People are looking at their lives and asking themselves, does this work for me? Does what I have always done feed me? Nourish me? Allow me to be who I want to be in the world?
 
Who do I want to be? What do I want to do with my life? With whom do I want to interact? How do I want to show up?
 
We are questioning - asking - inquiring – wondering - 
 
Individuals are leaving jobs, changing careers, stepping into the unknown.
Couples are breaking up, moving in together, getting married.
We are shedding some friendships and gaining others.
 
Mary Oliver asks: “What is it that you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?”
It is something we seem to be asking – collectively.
 
What is it that WE want to do with our wild and precious life, our incredible world? There is so much broken, so much Tikkun Olam (repairing of the world) that needs to happen. What are each and every one of us called to do? What changes are we being called to make? What are each of us separately and all of us collectively called to make happen in our lifetime?
 
As we step into this new year of 5782, I bless us to keep questioning, to keep probing, to make time for individual reflection of what is and isn’t working, to create communal conversations about what parts of our past we can do build upon, what parts do we leave behind and what we can do differently? To wonder out loud together and apart and not accept life the way it has always been.
 
May we be blessed with health, safety, connection, joy, love, and abundance.
Shana Tova U’mitukah (Hebrew, Sweet New Year)
Ah git gebenchta yar (Yiddish, a very blessed year)
Many Blessings, Chani

2021 - Leaving the Monarchy - Leaving the Fold

I am not someone who watches the news, or much TV, and so I know very little about celebrities and their lives. When I heard about Prince Harry giving up his title as senior royal, the story began to tug at my heart.  I did not know why at first, but something felt familiar. I kept noticing how much empathy I had for him. I could almost feel the loneliness of walking away. I had never followed a single story about him or Meghan Markle before and yet, I began to devour information about their story. When I heard Harry and Meghan had granted Oprah an interview, I felt compelled to make time to listen. For some reason, it felt important to bear witness. Something about their story spoke so closely to mine and to the many with whom I work.

 

I often say that those of us who come out of fundamentalist religious communities only do so when the pain of staying becomes greater than the pain of leaving, we rarely leave before then. Leaving… the only home one has ever known, the only community one has ever been a part of, the only life one has ever imagined for oneself does not happen on a whim. When the pain of staying becomes too great to bear, when the realization that the community will not change - for you or anyone else in pain – the inevitable terrifying choice becomes to leave.

 

I grew up in a community which the outside world has romanticized. I remember about 10 years ago sitting with someone who actually told me that they believed that that was the “right” way to be Jewish but that they couldn’t do that themselves so they donated  a lot of money to organizations to make sure they brought people back to “the fold”. Families are so close, the community is so caring, etc. ALL of which can be true… and at the same time, the price one pays for being in that community is to give up part of one’s self. To wear what the community deems appropriate, to learn only what the community deems appropriate, to marry who the community deems appropriate, and to be dependent on their approval for everything – especially one’s livelihood. 

 

Oprah shared that Meghan told her that she was asked by royal insiders if she could be only 50% of herself. Suggesting that 100% of her was entirely too much. How can they ask someone to do that? How can anyone be 50% of themselves?  Growing up, every time my non-binary-self showed up, my family would say to me in Yiddish, “Don’t be who you are”.  This was something that was said to me over and over and over again, so often that it became my nickname. At the time, I didn’t know how to ask, “Who should I be if I can’t be ME????”  “What should I be, if not me?”  How do you tell a youngster, “Don’t be who you are”?

 

Meghan, be 50% of yourself…  be less than who you are… make yourself small. Almost every one of us living in an ultra-religious community that is afraid of our power, our individuality, our questions, our queer selves gets this message in one way or another: Don’t be that, don’t show that, don’t say that, don’t air our dirty laundry, don’t wear that, don’t stand out, be like everyone else.  Of course, we don’t call it trapped, we call it royalty. We will call it Chassidish, Yeshivish, Mormon, Evangelical, Latter-Day Saint, or the ever favorite- tradition. 

 

Harry said in the interview, “I was trapped, and I didn’t even know it… my father and brother are trapped…”  How many of us leaving the religious world feel that way about the people we leave behind? Seeing the palaces for what they are -cages.  Seeing a community, a tradition, for the system that it is – which does not allow individuality or independence.

 

Harry spoke of both the loneliness and the gift of he and his wife having each other and having their child. For many of us, when we walk away from our religious upbringing, we leave behind our grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, parents, siblings and far too often, even our own children. That tears at us, even as we live authentic, autonomous lives. The pain of those we leave behind, and the pain of not being able to raise your own children is heartbreaking. Can you imagine how much pain we were living in that some of us are willing to risk that?  

 

Some of us can’t imagine that our kids will be taken from us. We are like Meghan was when she entered the Royal Family, naïve, believing them when they said they will protect her, that they will protect her future children. We believe the Rabbis who tell us they will protect us, and then these same individuals either fight us in court or help to poison the minds of our children against us. They do that in school, in the other parent’s home, in our parents’ homes, and sometimes even in the therapist’s office. 

 

The Jewish Holiday of Purim is behind us and as we begin to prepare for Passover, I am contemplating freedom and the price we each pay to live ours. If freedom is truth, authenticity, autonomy - what are you willing to give up to live in yours?

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Chani will be presenting at Conference of Religious Trauma, the last speaker of the event on Sunday  May 16^th please check out this amazing program and sign up. MAIL15 will give you a $15 discount.
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CORJ - Conference on Religious Trauma

May 11 - May 16th 2021

WELCOME to the inaugural Conference on Religious Trauma.

Our goals for CORT include educating therapists and lay persons about religious trauma syndrome and connecting survivors of religious trauma with qualified therapists and resources to aid in recovery.

We have gathered an exciting array of speakers ranging from pioneers in the field of religious trauma and undue influence to survivors of religious fundamentalism who are eager to share their personal stories of trauma, recovery, and hope with you.

You are encouraged to explore our Exhibitor Hall, where you will see resources including books, products, workshops, art, and more related to healing and recovery from religious trauma syndrome and undue influence.

Click HERE to Register      Please use MAIL15 for a $15 discount!

If you are a student or are experiencing financial hardship, there are discounts available.  Please email us  to discuss.  To proceed to ticket selection, click HERE

All Access Pass $150

This ticket provides you full access to all of the Keynotes, Speaker Sessions and the Exhibit hall - all in real time during the event, including the opportunity to Chat and ask Questions.  It also provides you access to the recordings post-event for up to 6 months. 

Resources Ticket $75

This ticket provides you access to all the video-on-demand recordings post event.  It does not provide you access to any of the content in real time, nor the ability to chat and ask questions during the event.

Exhibitor Booth Add-on to All Access Pass $150

In addition to selecting your Conference Attendee All Access Pass, you can add-on an Exhibitor Booth.  This will give you a listing in our virtual Exhibit Hall where you can promote your products and services, such as coaching or consultation sessions, books or videos.  Please note that all Exhibitor Applications will be reviewed and if for any reason, we are not able to accommodate your request for an Exhibitor Booth, you will be notified and your add-on ticket refunded.  There are no refunds on the All Access ticket.  For more information on this option, please email us here. 

2021- Acceptance: A Purim Reflection

 

As I sit down to write this reflection, I am struck by the dichotomies that have become an every-day occurrence in this past year. What does it mean to put on a mask on Purim when we have spent the entire year masked? What does it mean to be showing more of ourselves when most of us have seen into each other’s homes virtually? We’ve been into the homes of our bosses, our colleagues, our therapists, and even our clergy, where we probably would never have been invited physically.

Ordinarily, on Purim we dress up and/or wear a mask in order to show a side of ourselves usually hidden. It is when we put on “drag” to feel parts of ourselves that we haven’t fully embraced yet. 

As I listened to my daughter chanting Megilah (story of Esther, read on Purim) while wearing a mask, through zoom… I began reflecting…

Perhaps this year, this Purim, it is about fully leaning into what it feels like to wear a mask, day-in and day-out… Leaning into what it feels like to be seeing only one another’s eyes when we are in each other’s presence… Leaning into what it feels like seeing each other’s whole faces as well as homes when we are on screen.

It is about not ever fully having it all, if we have the person then we don’t get the dimples in their smile. If we get their smile, we don’t have their energy. It’s noticing the things that are missing, understanding the gaps in the desire to want everything and yet getting only bits and pieces at a time. It’s about not being able to be with everyone we love and needing to show up in every way for those we can be with. 

What if this year we cover up the parts of ourselves that don’t serve us or our neighbors – our criticism, our righteousness, our rush to judgement? What if this year we uncover the parts of ourselves that we ALL need to see more of - our understanding, our compassion, our encouragement, our empathy to self and others? So, your dog barked, or your baby cried, or you accidentally turned yourself into a cat during a business meeting. We don’t have to be perfect! Uncover the compassion you have deep down inside and lavish it on yourself! So, you’ve gained 10 pounds during the pandemic. Cover up that rush to judgement – it’s not the end of the world.  So, you haven’t written a novel, learned to bake bread, or fostered a dog! Cover up that self-criticism! Maybe you’ve shoveled a neighbor’s driveway, or reached out to friends that live alone. Uncover your encouragement and tell yourself you did a good thing.  Maybe all you’ve managed to do is to get out of bed  – even if you didn’t put on shoes – and that is ENOUGH!

What if until we can see everyone’s full face and be together safely in person and hug, and beyond, we gift ourselves with acceptance to be ALL of who we are in this moment, exactly how we are, without needing to change a thing. Isn’t that the Spirit of Purim and the reason we dress up in the first place, to embrace the parts of us we rarely give ourselves permission to experience?  

Happy Purim
Chani

2020 - Justice for Families Collaborative

This 3-part training series addresses the complex legal issues that arise between separated  and divorced members/former members of the Ultra-Orthodox Jewish community including  domestic violence, civil and religious divorce, and child custody. Attorneys, advocates, child  welfare workers, social workers, medical and mental health professionals are all welcome.  

OCT 12:30 PM – 2:30 PM 

29 Understanding Domestic Abuse  

in Ultra-Orthodox Communities: Cultural Issues 

This distinguished panel of experts will highlight the unique ways domestic violence and coercive control  appear in Ultra-Orthodox communities. Participants will address the cultural factors influencing the actions  of the litigants prior to, during, and after they appear in court as well as the impact on children. 

Moderator: Phyllis Frank - As of November 2, 2020, Chief Program O cer,  Center for Safety & Change 

Panelists: 

Deborah Feldman – New York Times Bestselling author of “Unorthodox”  – a memoir and the basis for the hit Netflix series. 

Dr. Shoshannah D. Frydman – Executive Director, Shalom Task Force Chani Getter – Senior Director of Organizational Development, Footsteps Dr. Lisa Fontes – Senior Lecturer University of Massachusetts, Amherst 

NOV 12:30 PM – 2:00 PM 

5 The Religious Divorce Process 

This panel will provide an overview of the Beth Din - or rabbinical court - and address the intersection  between the civil and religious court. We will hear from survivors about their experiences appearing  before the rabbinical court.  

Panelists: 

Rabbi Shlomo Weissmann – Director, Beth Din of America Erin Bistricer, Esq. – Senior Attorney, Sarah’s Voice 

Chani Getter – Senior Director of Organizational Development, Footsteps CLE Credits Available 

NOV 12:30 PM – 2:00 PM 

12 Litigating Child Custody Issues  

in the Ultra-Orthodox Community 

Addressing one of the most complex family law issues, this panel will discuss recent Appellate decisions  and approaches to representation including pre-litigation strategies, how to present issues of coercive  control in the religious community and the role of the attorney for the child. 

Panelists: 

Kim Susser, Esq. - Law O ce of Kim Susser 

Julie Kay, Esq. - Senior Legal Strategist, Footsteps 

Linda Strauss, Esq. - Law O ces of Linda Strauss 

Helena Phillibert, Esq. – Director of Legal Services, Center for Safety & Change CLE Credits Available

Free of Charge. To register, please visit: lunchandlearnlegal.eventbrite.com OVS-Funded Sponsors

This project was supported by Grant No. 2017-FJ-AX-0012 awarded by the O ce on Violence Against Women, U.S Department of Justice. The opinions, findings, conclusions, and  recommendations expressed in this program are those of the authors and do not necessarily reflect the views of the Department of Justice, O ce on Violence Against Women. 

24-Hour Hotline: (845) 634-3344 | Mobile Text: (845) 286-4997 | Web Chat

2020 - Looking back at a year like no other... A Rosh Hashanah Reflection:

 

As I sit down to write my reflection for the High Holidays, I am contemplating the past year…

It’s been a year filled with dichotomies, clearer skies as we lessen the pollution in some parts of the world while wildfires, hurricanes and floods ravish in others. 

 

It’s been quite a year…. some of us have lost jobs or our livelihoods, some of us have been sick, far too many of us have we have lost loved ones and had to grapple with how to mourn without community, and we have struggled with how to be there from afar for those who mourn.

 

It’s been a challenging year…. some of us have lived for months without touch, some of us have lived without a moment of solitude, some of us we have been in isolation, we have felt lonely, we have lived in cramped spaces, we have felt stifled, we have just wanted quiet, and we have all longed for “normalcy”.

 

It’s been a connecting year, some of us have spoken to those we have not seen in years, we have made time for the people we care about, we have remembered who we are.

 

It’s been a year of learning... some of have learned how to Zoom, some of us have learned on-line and learned to teach on-line, some of us have learned yoga or bake bread, some of us started learning about the racial injustice in our country for the first time, while others are learning what it feels like to finally feel heard.

 

It’s been a year of such change… It’s been a year that has made the word unprecedented commonplace.

 

In some ways it’s been a good year, some of us have been hired, some of us have worked harder than we ever knew was possible, some of us have felt safe in our employment. Some of us have regained our health, our strength, our focus, our center.

 

It was a year of noticing the moments, and the extremes of those moment and trying to more present with all of them… It’s been a year of living differently than we ever have… each in our own way.

 

One day, I was working from home and the music coming from the living room was too loud for me to ignore, so I walked out prepared to demand quiet. I found my 95-year-old mother-in-law dancing to R&B music with two of our adult children. I laughed so hard. The world stopped, and I was simply there and began to dance with her. She had no idea who I was, or who her grandchildren were for that matter. Alzheimer’s has robbed her of that, and yet there she was simply savoring the moment, the music, the rhythm, and joy of dancing, and teaching us to find the joy in every moment.

 

As I prepare for the High Holidays this year, one that looks different than anything I have ever experienced, I sit in this moment and give myself permission to feel all of it, to sit with it and notice… to notice where I am called to action and where I am being called to witness… and I pray that I remember to bring the learning of this year into next year. 

 

I bless us all that we can bring the lessons of slowing down, of reaching out, of gratitude that this past year has taught us into the 5781, and that we can let go of some of the sorrow, fear and uncertainty we’ve been living with, and allow the New Year to bring us hope.  

 

Shana Tova (Modern Hebrew)

K’siva v’chasima tova (Biblical Hebrew)

A git gebenchta yur (Yiddish)

Happy Jewish New Year

Chani