2016 - When Remaining Is No Longer An Option - A Passover Reflection

It's hard to leave a community—a way of life—that is your DNA. One in which you know the rules; everyone knows your family, your parents, your past present and even future, but most importantly, they know YOU. 

Okay, so maybe they don't know you. The real you at least. The you that is questioning. The you that is gender-queer. The you that wants to be with a woman the way a husband desires his wife. The you who questions. The you who no longer fits. And honestly, may not have fit for a while.

But they do know your name. They know where you went to elementary school. They saw every event you performed in. They saw every celebration. They shared every holiday. They know your passion and your conviction.  They know the fire that burns in your soul and the devotion you feel to something greater than self. 

So why do we leave?

When I facilitate trainings I often say: “Leaving is extremely difficult.  We only desert when the pain of staying outweighs the pain of leaving. When remaining is no longer an option. When it isn't who we are anymore. When the communal ideals and values clash with our own. When we need to keep our mouths shut more often than we can voice our opinions, when the clothing we wear become too tight and the uniform no longer fits."

I spent yesterday at Baruch College at a conference titled "Dissent and Dissension: Approaching Ultra-Orthodoxy," a conference in which for the first time in a conversation about leaving the ultra-Orthodox community I didn’t present.  I was a witness. I listened. 

I have been doing that a lot lately—simply listening and holding space. Men and women with incredible strength and courage walk through the doors of my private practice and of Footsteps. Individuals trust me with their stories as they step into their truth, regardless of the price. They are striving to live authentically. They see all that is in front of them, and with quivering steps they begin a new reality. Although fearful, they audaciously go forth.

As I prepare for Passover, I think about the exodus story and I can't help but wonder, when the Rabbis say that only a fifth of the nation left Egypt do they mean that the rest stayed behind because it was easier to conform? Was it as difficult to leave then as it is now?

Did we have the courage to walk into the Sea of Reeds knowing that it would split because we had no other choice? Because the Egyptians were at our tail and the wild animals surrounded us and we saw no way out. Although we knew it meant perhaps drowning. Did we feel that it was better to drown than to go back? 

Did we understand that leaving meant wandering in the desert for 40 years? Did we comprehend that there is this in-between space we enter when we leave the familiar?  A place of no-man’s land.  A space where we redefine our beliefs. A space where we wander, trying to find a new place to call home. 

Yet, in all the searching throughout the wilderness we would never go back. The text tells us the Israelites kept asking Moses to return to Egypt. I'm sure they could have, and maybe some of them did, but ultimately they stayed. As free beings they wandered. They searched. They grappled. And, perhaps they never found the Promised Land—but their children did! They created a better tomorrow for the generation that came after them, and they journeyed into a different reality for themselves. A life that shirked off slavery. An existence that albeit difficult was of their own making. A universe in which only 20 percent had the courage to travel to. 

I am beginning to realize that it takes tremendous bravery to leave, whether it is a job, a marriage, or a community. The ambiguity of the unknown keeps many of us in places that no longer fit us.

But eventually, if the cost of staying becomes higher than the one of leaving, we do the thing that we never imagined we would do. We stride determinately into the uncertain.

So...

What in your life is really hard to leave?

What in your life has reached the boiling point where staying has become more difficult than leaving?

What in your life do you need to walk towards?

As we enter Passover, may you have the courage to step into the water as it reaches your neck, the patience to wander through the desert as you find your Promised Land, and the peace of mind in journeying in a life of your own choosing. 

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5/12/16- Building Bridges while Breaking Bread - Religion and Violence!

6:00pm Vegetarian Meal

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6/24/16 - Tehom: Deepening our Prayers:

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1/15/17—Coming  of Age – 

How to create rituals for Coming of Age

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2/17/17—President’s Weekend – 

Nehirim Women’s Retreat, An LGBTQ Spiritual Shabbaton – "Forgiveness, What’s in it for me?"

Pearlstone Retreat Center: Maryland