2016 - The Big FOUR O

I’m turning 40 in less then a month.

I know! I know! It’s not so overwhelming for some of you –

40 that’s a baby many of you have told me.

But for me… it’s a big thing  - HUGE actually.

Eight months after my 40th birthday all of my children will be 18 and will have graduated from high school. Since I became a single mom at the age of 23 my turning 40 was this looming milestone. The age at which some of my goals would have been achieved and some of my desires would start being fulfilled.

I told myself “When I turn 40…

I will have all my debt paid off.

I will own my home.

I will have time to date and maybe find a partner.

I will hike the Appalachian Mountains for 3 months.

I will have published my book.

This was my list, and it kept growing.. When I turn 40… When I turn 40.,,,

I thought my life would start in a real big way when I turn 40.

Here is what I did not know:

That some of these things on my list, I would no longer wish to do.

That some of the things that I thought would be done, would not have been achieved.

That some of the things on this list that I thought I would start doing at 40 would already be achieved.

That so many things that I have accomplished in my life were not even on the list to begin with, and I am the most proud of them.

In the past 16 years, I have made peace with my parents and my siblings. I have raised incredible young adults who are wise beyond their years and working towards becoming productive members of society. I have forged friendships, communities and relationships that feed me in incredible ways. In a lot of ways, I have grown up.

So what do I do with these lists? What do I do with the list of things I have yet to achieve -that makes me feel like a failure? What do I do with the list of things that I have done that far exceeds my expectations - that make me feel like a winner?

What do I do with the thousands of moments that make up the person I have become - that don’t belong on either list?

When I coach clients in setting long terms goals, we speak about a lifespan of 90 to 100 years. When I counsel people we discuss looking at where our life is right now, and grounding ourselves in all of the beauty, pain, joy, and heartache of the moment. When I create rituals with families we incorporate all of who they are.  So how do I do that for myself?

A friend recently said to me that life happens in the blink of an eye, we turn 20, 30/40/50/60/70 before we even notice. I think that life happens in 1 minute intervals, either it is 60 seconds that seem to slowly pass or it is feels like a moment – and a year has passed. When I am conscious and present in the moment, then I get to enjoy each and every second of it. When I am not concentrating then it is a moment, 10 years feels like the blink of an eye.

As I step into my 40^th year old self I choose to remember that life is lived ONE minute at a time, and that I simply need to breathe into it 60 seconds at a time.  I decide to breathe in the good and the bad, the failure and the successes, the joy and the pain, all of it is the fullness we call life.

I have elected to consciously be a human being and to remind myself that I am not a human doing and that there is more to me then what I can write up and cross off on a to-do list. Life is infinitely more complicated and richer than I could ever have foreseen. I have created my life and continue to develop with every decision I make, every choice I choose, every action I take.

Turning 30, 40, or 50, or 90, or any age is a self-imposed ritual not grounded in any reality other than the ones we made up about time and space.

What in your life do you want to achieve?

What in your life have you done that you never imagined you would?

How do you celebrate all of who you are?

Feel free to comment and post below:

UPCOMING EVENTS:

WHEN:Tonight and these Fridays:

TEHOM - Deepening Our Prayer Experience

7/22/16 - 9/09/16 - 10/21/16

6:30pm

Fair Lawn Jewish Center

10-10 Norma Avenue

Fair Lawn, NJ 07410

2016 - An Invitation To Connect

Listen to the moan of a dog for its master.

That whining is the connection.        

---  Jelaluddin Rumi

Like most of you, my life is hectic.  And yet, I find myself pushing off the one thing that I know would help put it all in perspective – my spiritual practice.

For some of us, this is praying, for others it is meditation, or yoga, or running, or mindfulness or going to synagogue, or church, or mosque, or temple, regardless of what our spiritual practice is or where it takes place it is something that we do that allows us to connect.

My teacher Rev. Diane Burke often says that spiritual practice does not guarantee moments of GRACE, or moments of connection. Rather we are gifted with those and they come sporadically. The more we do our spiritual practice the more we allow these precious moments to gift us with their presence.

I know this to be true. For me stopping and connecting changes everything– whether I find grace in that moment or not. My life becomes a bit more spacious, and my mind stops racing. But much like a friend who is “looking” for a job but doesn’t send out resumes or apply for jobs yet complains that he is or she is unhappy in his or her present job – I sometimes avoid the very thing that will facilitate the results I want.

A story is told of Rabbi Zusha of Anipoli.  Every day he would sit in his study and when he was hungry he would call out, “God, Zusha is hungry.”  Then his servant would come with a tray of food and Rabbi Zusha would eat and thank God for the meal.

The servant grew tired. He asked himself, “Why does the Rabbi always say – “God, Zusha is hungry?  Doesn’t he realize that I am the person that prepares it and brings it to him?  

So Moshe took the day off. He showed up on the following morning and found the remnants of a banquet on the Rabbi’s dining room table.

He was shocked and asked around town. Who was at the Rabbi’s house? Who brought him all this food? He learned a wealthy merchant had come to town. He had been trying to get an audience with the Rabbi, but after knocking on the door numerous times, the only sound he heard was the rabbi’s chanting and studying the holy texts.

 “The Rabbi must eat sometime”, the merchant thought, and so he went out and brought all kinds of foods.  He stood outside the Rabbi’s window, and when he heard the Rabbi say, “God, Zusha is hungry.” The merchant opened the door wheeling in all the food he had bought. During the meal the merchant and the Rabbi spoke, and the merchant took this time to ask for a blessing that he and his wife be blessed with children.

After hearing this Moshe returned to the Rabbi and told him how he had left the Rabbi to fend for himself and how the merchant showed up just in time.

“Ah…” the Rabbi said. “Of course the food comes from God. It would be incredible if I just thought that I was hungry and the food would appear, but we all have to do hishtadlut (exert effort) in order to be fed, for some of us it is to go out to work, for others it is to plow the fields or to cook, for me, Zusha of Anipoli, I need to call out –"God, Zusha is hungry" and the food appears.”

So too it is with the spiritual practice that feeds my soul. I want to be like Rabbi Zusha who merely calls out and is answered by God almost immediately every time. In reality, I am more like the merchant who has to put in little effort and exercise a little patience to get the connection I want.

I invite you to join me, to connect deeper this Friday night. I invite you to unplug, to chant, to pray, to stop and do something that allows you to connect.

TEHOM el Tehom Koray (from the deep I call to you- Psalms). Let us make time to create the space for the connection that we yearn for.

This Friday - June 24, 2016

6:30pm

The Fair Lawn Jewish Center

10-10 Norma Ave

Fair Lawn, NJ 07410

2016 - When Remaining Is No Longer An Option - A Passover Reflection

It's hard to leave a community—a way of life—that is your DNA. One in which you know the rules; everyone knows your family, your parents, your past present and even future, but most importantly, they know YOU. 

Okay, so maybe they don't know you. The real you at least. The you that is questioning. The you that is gender-queer. The you that wants to be with a woman the way a husband desires his wife. The you who questions. The you who no longer fits. And honestly, may not have fit for a while.

But they do know your name. They know where you went to elementary school. They saw every event you performed in. They saw every celebration. They shared every holiday. They know your passion and your conviction.  They know the fire that burns in your soul and the devotion you feel to something greater than self. 

So why do we leave?

When I facilitate trainings I often say: “Leaving is extremely difficult.  We only desert when the pain of staying outweighs the pain of leaving. When remaining is no longer an option. When it isn't who we are anymore. When the communal ideals and values clash with our own. When we need to keep our mouths shut more often than we can voice our opinions, when the clothing we wear become too tight and the uniform no longer fits."

I spent yesterday at Baruch College at a conference titled "Dissent and Dissension: Approaching Ultra-Orthodoxy," a conference in which for the first time in a conversation about leaving the ultra-Orthodox community I didn’t present.  I was a witness. I listened. 

I have been doing that a lot lately—simply listening and holding space. Men and women with incredible strength and courage walk through the doors of my private practice and of Footsteps. Individuals trust me with their stories as they step into their truth, regardless of the price. They are striving to live authentically. They see all that is in front of them, and with quivering steps they begin a new reality. Although fearful, they audaciously go forth.

As I prepare for Passover, I think about the exodus story and I can't help but wonder, when the Rabbis say that only a fifth of the nation left Egypt do they mean that the rest stayed behind because it was easier to conform? Was it as difficult to leave then as it is now?

Did we have the courage to walk into the Sea of Reeds knowing that it would split because we had no other choice? Because the Egyptians were at our tail and the wild animals surrounded us and we saw no way out. Although we knew it meant perhaps drowning. Did we feel that it was better to drown than to go back? 

Did we understand that leaving meant wandering in the desert for 40 years? Did we comprehend that there is this in-between space we enter when we leave the familiar?  A place of no-man’s land.  A space where we redefine our beliefs. A space where we wander, trying to find a new place to call home. 

Yet, in all the searching throughout the wilderness we would never go back. The text tells us the Israelites kept asking Moses to return to Egypt. I'm sure they could have, and maybe some of them did, but ultimately they stayed. As free beings they wandered. They searched. They grappled. And, perhaps they never found the Promised Land—but their children did! They created a better tomorrow for the generation that came after them, and they journeyed into a different reality for themselves. A life that shirked off slavery. An existence that albeit difficult was of their own making. A universe in which only 20 percent had the courage to travel to. 

I am beginning to realize that it takes tremendous bravery to leave, whether it is a job, a marriage, or a community. The ambiguity of the unknown keeps many of us in places that no longer fit us.

But eventually, if the cost of staying becomes higher than the one of leaving, we do the thing that we never imagined we would do. We stride determinately into the uncertain.

So...

What in your life is really hard to leave?

What in your life has reached the boiling point where staying has become more difficult than leaving?

What in your life do you need to walk towards?

As we enter Passover, may you have the courage to step into the water as it reaches your neck, the patience to wander through the desert as you find your Promised Land, and the peace of mind in journeying in a life of your own choosing. 

Upcoming Events:

5/12/16- Building Bridges while Breaking Bread - Religion and Violence!

6:00pm Vegetarian Meal

7:00pm Panel Discussion

One Spirit Interfaith Alliance

247 West 36^th Street – Sixth Floor

New York, NY 10018

Click to Learn More or To Register

6/24/16 - Tehom: Deepening our Prayers:

A Renewal Friday night service at the Fair Lawn 6:30pm Service

Fair Lawn Jewish Center

10-10 Norma Avenue

Fair Lawn, NJ 07410

1/15/17—Coming  of Age – 

How to create rituals for Coming of Age

One Spirit Interfaith Alliance

247 West 36^th Street – Sixth Floor

New York, NY 10018

2/17/17—President’s Weekend – 

Nehirim Women’s Retreat, An LGBTQ Spiritual Shabbaton – "Forgiveness, What’s in it for me?"

Pearlstone Retreat Center: Maryland