2009 - Who Forgives Whom? - A Yom Kippur Reflection

Who Forgives Whom?  A Yom Kippur Reflection

The Days of Awe are upon us, and most of us are preparing for The Day of Atonement.  The day where we beseech God – Higher Power – Spirit – The One – Hashem, whatever we want to call that which is Greater Than Self.  We beg for forgiveness and we plead our case.

The Rabbis teach us that sins that were committed amongst each other God does not pardon, rather the person we have harmed needs to forgive us our transgression, in order for us to be absolved.

The Rabbis further state that we need to ask for forgiveness from this person. I wondered sometimes – What if they have already forgotten what I had done? What if it didn’t mean that much to them? What if I cause more harm then good by dredging up the old stuff???

I walked into the supermarket at 7:30am on Friday, the morning of the eve of Rosh Hashana. I noticed this woman looking at me and crying… She was at the entrance of the store, peering in. She looked so heartbroken. I wondered what could make her so sad.  My heart went out to her.

A few moments later, she tapped me on the shoulder. “Do you know who I am?” she asked.  “No,” I replied.  She told me, “I am the woman who hit your daughter.”  I took her into my arms and as she cried, we hugged.  “Bracha is ok now.” I said.

For those of you who are wondering what I am talking about, I will take you back to Labor Day of 2006. My daughter Bracha, then 7 years old, was riding her bicycle when a car hit her. By the time I (and the paramedics) arrived at the scene, the woman and the car were both gone.  About an hour later (when Bracha and I were already in the

trauma unit of the hospital) she returned to the scene of the accident.

Bracha’s recovery is ongoing. With the help of the community and friends, our family was able to give Bracha the help and support she needed. She is a healthy 10-year-old today. The only residue of the trauma are a few marks on her legs, some damage to her teeth, and anxiety which she is bravely facing and working on.

I forgave this woman 3 years ago, knowing that accidents happen, understanding that I do not know how I would have reacted had I been in her situation.  I had let go of wondering why she never called to find out how Bracha was doing. I held her in love and wished her

peace. It was the only way for me to find my own serenity.

But she had not forgiven herself. During our conversation on Friday, she said that the lawyers had told her not to call. Later she was so scared to approach me, and still other times my children were surrounding me and she felt uncomfortable coming over to apologize.

Three years of living with the pain and agony of this!  WOW! We stood in the middle of the supermarket hugging, tearing up, crying, allowing the emotions to flow.

I walked out of there realizing with incredible clarity. God has already forgiven us, or rather me, for all those times I have missed the mark.  Can I forgive myself? Do I have the courage to come over and say, "I have sinned, I am sorry. I am so… so… so very sorry"?

Our ancient Rabbis understood that in order for us to truly heal from the pain of our own actions, when we hurt another, when we create divisions amongst humankind, we need to face the person we had harmed and state with clarity, “I am sorry, can you forgive me?”

This woman had been carrying around a heavy load, an excruciating weight.  I had long since forgiven her. It took her three years to find the courage to stop blaming herself and approach me.

I am sure that both of us have healed more because she has stepped up and admitted to what she did and asked forgiveness.

How long will it take for you to find the courage?  How long will you need to sit in the anxiety and regret of the things you wished you never did?  Can you ADMIT to what you had done? Can you ASK for forgiveness?

You already are forgiven -  How will you hold yourself in the light

and forgive yourself?

Gmar Chatima Tova –

Chani

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The things that Jews traditionally abstain from on Yom Kippur:

1- eating / drinking

2- washing our bodies

3- applying make-up or lotions (some do use powders)

4- wearing leather shoes

5- being intimate

  - In some communities people do not wear gold jewelry - this is

because they do not want a reminder of the Golden Calf.

It is important to note that we abstain from these things because we

are like angels... we are special.

This year Yom Kippur is celebrated on the eve of Sept 27th through the eve of Sept 28th.

May you be blessed with an easy and meaningful fast.